Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Cleaning memories...
Hmm... today was feeling sick and did not feel like working. Not that I have been a ball of enthusiasm in the recent past. But, today was extremely depressing. Did not know what was wrong. Just decided to take a stock check and figure out what exactly is wrong.
First check... body. Do not know why I do this. Whenever I am really feeling bogged, first thing I do is hold for some moments. Sit brooding over what all is happening with the various parts of my body. I just become aware of the head, face, stomach, pain if any in the muscles. Next I reach out for a litre bottle of water. This water is unceremoniously dunked down through the throat. I hold for five minutes. Again one more litre of water if I am upto it. Invariably after 5 minutes I get this fresh circulation of blood happening all over the body. I feel it. This sensation by itself does not clear any of the depression. But, this leads me to think properly.
Well, today's water drinking made me visit the loo first.
Second check... train of thought. Business, stress, people to be called, distant voices of close ones, family memories, slipped up dates, feeling of procrastination and the accompanying depression, 10 seconds resolves to solve various problems, some more time wasting activities, smoking four cigarettes and still figuring what is it that is really disturbing. Normally, I tend to control this train of thought, catch the most urgent problem and solve it. Today, none of the problems were urgent and life threatening. So this went on for like two hours... Next, hit upon an idea of checking old mails stored in my yahoo id.
Payday!!! Just went on checking mails from a particular friend. Got hold of lots of emails. Some by my ex-girl. Made me objectively think of my various actions and the insecurities that ruled my decisions. I realised that i would be acting the same way if presented with the same situations now.
I went through a whole series of events and memories associated with these emails. Not even once was any problem that was forthcoming was clear to me at that point in time. Things took bizzare turns and all of them were out of control in those given conditions. All, I could think of was that I have looked at problems with filter that would make me see only those aspects that my ego would dictate me to see. Naturally, my actions were based on these problem definitions.
Even now, I am facing the problem of getting into possesion a kind of ready framework to define my problems or emotions at any given point in time. I still feel rudderless and overwhelmed because of the absence of such a framework. The whole point in having such a thing is to get things or situations or my emotions under control. In the sense of wanting a fulfilling life, I have to get such a frame work ready immediately. As always, this has eluded me because of its sheer scope. Will surely get this very shortly.
However, in the macro sense of why creation, such a framework is useless. Why am I making this point here is because if at all there is something I have learnt till now is this -- The question of why creation is something that no one has been able to answer. If at all the answer is known to anyone then such people have not found a framework or medium to let it be known to common people. This question of why creation, is a fundamentally energy sapping and belief changing one. All I know is that if this question is taken too seriously then there will be a lot of wasted time with respect to the simple joys of living through the many stages of life. Like right now, for me personally, I have wasted a lot of time and oppurtunities in pondering this question. I have literally fucked up my brains with this question. After about 13 years of struggling with this question on a constant basis, I have decided to let go of it consciously.
Instead I have decided to stick to living life as a human can. By this I mean, enjoy all fruits of being human. In simple terms, I am adjusting to the idea of living life by maxims like - "the purpose of life is to pursue maximum pleasure and avoid pain at all costs" or "You only live once. Why not live an unrestricted life" etc.
It so has happened that everything in life did not get so much meaning when I compared any situation with the existential question of why creation. The end result is that right now i feel that many more simple people with simple wishes have been leading a better life in terms of statistics. Not that these statistics are very important. This situation demands an analogy.
This is a classic situation of a research scientist v/s an application engineer. If the research scientist is given enough time or if he decides that he has more than enough time to ponder over all his questions without ever having to take care of survival needs then he will go on researching without showing any of his findings to any one.
Meanwhile an application engineer is trained to deliver results from day one. Everything about his work will be calibrated or he has to devise methods to calibrate his work and progress from Point A to Point B.
Say, a time of reckoning comes where both the scientists have to live a kind of life because of their age and position in society. Okay let me put it as - both the scientist and the application engineer are expected to marry or feel the need to be married. I will call it as the time of reckoning. Why reckoning because, the need to set up a family demands stability and position in society. Hence, there is a simple mechanism in society to decide who is better suited to marry. Almost 100% of the time it will be the application engineer who is more suited to get married. Whereas the research scientist has to really put his everything to prove that he too deserves what an application engineer deserves (more so).
Here, the idea of marriage is just a symbol for what an accomplishment is. Nobody would understand that the research scientist has really worked and understands the world more than the application engineer. Partly, because there is no way to measure what the research scientist has done or knows and also because the research scientist would be unsure always if he has not figured out the answer to the ultimate question of why creation.
So what are the options for the research scientist to lead the other kind of life. The kind of life where he is considered to be important and wanted in the society. The kind of life where he wants all the pleasures with minimum pain that is there on offer.
a.) He has to start being useful to people. In other words, he has to become powerful by winning in evaluable criteria like money, material success, showing intelligence, have a lot of entertainment value (fame is the other word for this), be generous to all people.
b.) He has to make sure he beats established symbols of power or be set in the exclusive club of powerful networks. By this he makes sure that he will dictate and not get dictated by people in the lower echelons. Atleast, he will be left alone if he demands so.
Ahem! This is where i conclude. Now my life for the last 13 years (excepting three recent years) has been one like the research scientist. I was too busy trying to figure out why of creation. All other impulses or drives and grand goals have paled in comparision with this single burning quest for an answer to the absolute. Not that I have led a classic monastic life and tried to get an answer. Rather, my approach has been an intuitive one and a take it as it comes one. My approach has been severly constrained by my upbringing too.
In between there have been diversions of various kinds. Like earning to conform to dad's idea of life (dad has been one of my biggest attachments). Trying to put down friends or anyone causing insecurity to my idea of being bigger than them - this has caused a lot of hardwork. Conforming to romantic visions of grand successes. Both mine and borrowed visions.
The time of reckoning happened when I fell for a woman. This woman is a very good friend of mine now. She was the first person who made me feel what passion is, in its true sense. At one point in time, I was so into her that it was unimaginable for me to think about a life without her or a life without the wherewithal to possess her. This is when (about three years back) I started consciously stopping myself from pursuing the answer to the question of why creation.
Even after three years of conscious efforts... this has been difficult. I do a lot of writing like this to get into the groove. I have been humbled too. Hope to get this clarified very soon.
First check... body. Do not know why I do this. Whenever I am really feeling bogged, first thing I do is hold for some moments. Sit brooding over what all is happening with the various parts of my body. I just become aware of the head, face, stomach, pain if any in the muscles. Next I reach out for a litre bottle of water. This water is unceremoniously dunked down through the throat. I hold for five minutes. Again one more litre of water if I am upto it. Invariably after 5 minutes I get this fresh circulation of blood happening all over the body. I feel it. This sensation by itself does not clear any of the depression. But, this leads me to think properly.
Well, today's water drinking made me visit the loo first.
Second check... train of thought. Business, stress, people to be called, distant voices of close ones, family memories, slipped up dates, feeling of procrastination and the accompanying depression, 10 seconds resolves to solve various problems, some more time wasting activities, smoking four cigarettes and still figuring what is it that is really disturbing. Normally, I tend to control this train of thought, catch the most urgent problem and solve it. Today, none of the problems were urgent and life threatening. So this went on for like two hours... Next, hit upon an idea of checking old mails stored in my yahoo id.
Payday!!! Just went on checking mails from a particular friend. Got hold of lots of emails. Some by my ex-girl. Made me objectively think of my various actions and the insecurities that ruled my decisions. I realised that i would be acting the same way if presented with the same situations now.
I went through a whole series of events and memories associated with these emails. Not even once was any problem that was forthcoming was clear to me at that point in time. Things took bizzare turns and all of them were out of control in those given conditions. All, I could think of was that I have looked at problems with filter that would make me see only those aspects that my ego would dictate me to see. Naturally, my actions were based on these problem definitions.
Even now, I am facing the problem of getting into possesion a kind of ready framework to define my problems or emotions at any given point in time. I still feel rudderless and overwhelmed because of the absence of such a framework. The whole point in having such a thing is to get things or situations or my emotions under control. In the sense of wanting a fulfilling life, I have to get such a frame work ready immediately. As always, this has eluded me because of its sheer scope. Will surely get this very shortly.
However, in the macro sense of why creation, such a framework is useless. Why am I making this point here is because if at all there is something I have learnt till now is this -- The question of why creation is something that no one has been able to answer. If at all the answer is known to anyone then such people have not found a framework or medium to let it be known to common people. This question of why creation, is a fundamentally energy sapping and belief changing one. All I know is that if this question is taken too seriously then there will be a lot of wasted time with respect to the simple joys of living through the many stages of life. Like right now, for me personally, I have wasted a lot of time and oppurtunities in pondering this question. I have literally fucked up my brains with this question. After about 13 years of struggling with this question on a constant basis, I have decided to let go of it consciously.
Instead I have decided to stick to living life as a human can. By this I mean, enjoy all fruits of being human. In simple terms, I am adjusting to the idea of living life by maxims like - "the purpose of life is to pursue maximum pleasure and avoid pain at all costs" or "You only live once. Why not live an unrestricted life" etc.
It so has happened that everything in life did not get so much meaning when I compared any situation with the existential question of why creation. The end result is that right now i feel that many more simple people with simple wishes have been leading a better life in terms of statistics. Not that these statistics are very important. This situation demands an analogy.
This is a classic situation of a research scientist v/s an application engineer. If the research scientist is given enough time or if he decides that he has more than enough time to ponder over all his questions without ever having to take care of survival needs then he will go on researching without showing any of his findings to any one.
Meanwhile an application engineer is trained to deliver results from day one. Everything about his work will be calibrated or he has to devise methods to calibrate his work and progress from Point A to Point B.
Say, a time of reckoning comes where both the scientists have to live a kind of life because of their age and position in society. Okay let me put it as - both the scientist and the application engineer are expected to marry or feel the need to be married. I will call it as the time of reckoning. Why reckoning because, the need to set up a family demands stability and position in society. Hence, there is a simple mechanism in society to decide who is better suited to marry. Almost 100% of the time it will be the application engineer who is more suited to get married. Whereas the research scientist has to really put his everything to prove that he too deserves what an application engineer deserves (more so).
Here, the idea of marriage is just a symbol for what an accomplishment is. Nobody would understand that the research scientist has really worked and understands the world more than the application engineer. Partly, because there is no way to measure what the research scientist has done or knows and also because the research scientist would be unsure always if he has not figured out the answer to the ultimate question of why creation.
So what are the options for the research scientist to lead the other kind of life. The kind of life where he is considered to be important and wanted in the society. The kind of life where he wants all the pleasures with minimum pain that is there on offer.
a.) He has to start being useful to people. In other words, he has to become powerful by winning in evaluable criteria like money, material success, showing intelligence, have a lot of entertainment value (fame is the other word for this), be generous to all people.
b.) He has to make sure he beats established symbols of power or be set in the exclusive club of powerful networks. By this he makes sure that he will dictate and not get dictated by people in the lower echelons. Atleast, he will be left alone if he demands so.
Ahem! This is where i conclude. Now my life for the last 13 years (excepting three recent years) has been one like the research scientist. I was too busy trying to figure out why of creation. All other impulses or drives and grand goals have paled in comparision with this single burning quest for an answer to the absolute. Not that I have led a classic monastic life and tried to get an answer. Rather, my approach has been an intuitive one and a take it as it comes one. My approach has been severly constrained by my upbringing too.
In between there have been diversions of various kinds. Like earning to conform to dad's idea of life (dad has been one of my biggest attachments). Trying to put down friends or anyone causing insecurity to my idea of being bigger than them - this has caused a lot of hardwork. Conforming to romantic visions of grand successes. Both mine and borrowed visions.
The time of reckoning happened when I fell for a woman. This woman is a very good friend of mine now. She was the first person who made me feel what passion is, in its true sense. At one point in time, I was so into her that it was unimaginable for me to think about a life without her or a life without the wherewithal to possess her. This is when (about three years back) I started consciously stopping myself from pursuing the answer to the question of why creation.
Even after three years of conscious efforts... this has been difficult. I do a lot of writing like this to get into the groove. I have been humbled too. Hope to get this clarified very soon.
Friday, January 06, 2006
My 2005 - A round up of all things that made me bow to god
Ahem!
It was a crazy year. I would want to label it as the year that levelled me. Simpler still, the year when I realized that I have a lot of debts.
My greatest moment - birthday. Turned 30. Thirty fucking years. Unbelievable but real. Unbelievable because the child in me never thought that I will come to terms with this event. Real because something in me said this is for real and I felt it too.
Worst moment - A week after my birthday. Self doubt on my intentions and involvement in a five year friendship. For me, the only relationship worth crying over. In retrospect this seems to be the proverbial blood letting for better health.
Start of the year - heavy baggage of the past year.
No. 1 - The woman who I felt as my would be perfect wife decided that I am not the right guy to get married to. The rejection too was rather crude. One last incomplete call indicated that we will be parting for some time. This call also gave hope for continuance. But abruptly, sometime later, through common friends, I got to know she married someone unknown to any of us. If only the animal in me was stoked a bit then things would have been different. But, rationalization is the greatest obfuscator inherited by us in the process of getting civilized. Five thousand recored years of civilization. Rationalization does not let the animal out. Any being has to rationalize and go on living the civilized life. I still feel proud and think that I had enough love to set her free. My love has not come back till now. Does this mean it was never there to start with? Using my considerable intelligence - emotional and logical - I do not even know where to start on the answers.
No. 2 - The stupid business I had got into started overflowing with shit. The compressed decay matter decided to blow as the year 2004 ended. Result - I had to close the bloody sewer and clean up the surface. Eventual price I had to pay haunted me and made me work extra hard without returns for six months from Jan to June 2005. The price was both emotional and fiscal. The emotional price could not be measured but only felt. The fiscal price was easy and took three hours of intense negotiating and an eventual brawl. The physical fight was defused just when it looked like becoming full blown by two of the more civilized of the four partners that we were. Post this scene, for my own peace, I had to define loyalty, honour, greed, business and the purpose of life all over again in my head. This took me three more months after June.
No. 3 - Health. Screwed by my own body is not a good emotional problem to tackle. My body which ran like a true maitenance free machine for 25 years started talking to me in a different language. Why 25 years and not the whole 30 years. Well, the first two and a half years of my life which i cannot be conscious about even if i tried was apparently very demanding for my mom because of my frequent breakdowns. Mysteriously, from then onwards, till I turned 27 there has not been a single complaint from my body. Just imagine, for someone who did not even feel the existence of a body due of its unconditional response to my commands, how would it be? If a qualified doctor declares that I have a rare condition of the heart which is genetic in nature. Initial few days I took it bravely. Bravely, only outward. Inwardly, i was not even ready to confront the problem. Slowly, the thing hit me like a ton of bricks on the head. Like a chinese torture. Slow but extremely painful over time. The emotions i am talking about. I felt a total loser inside me. For the first time I was faced with a rare occurence - lack of confidence. I was never so unsure of myself as I was between Dec 2004 and July 2005. Ray of hope in the form of unconventional knowledge is keeping me on the path to a grand solution to this problem.
No. 4 - Career. In the normal sense, my career was finished. I was getting into huge debts because of having to close a business. The other company, which I had started a year back and my only resort to return to, had no direction. Huge focus was needed on this business. With my baggage et al. I was headed for doom once more. I still do not know how, but this business has stayed afloat and the outlook right now looks bright.
No. 5 - Betrayal by my closest friends. I had no one to turn to solve this undecipherable mess called my existence. Anyone I considered to open up to would fall short for lack of empathy. Amidst this serious lack of confidence in my friends, one of my bum buddies decides to tell me that he felt being used by me for his money for all the time that we were friends. If he had said anything else, i would probably thought of the situation on its merits. But, money, him and I was something which even in my wildest flights of imagination I could not have conjured of. Anyways it happened. One more chinese torture alongwith all other problems got added to my baggage to be carried at the start of 2005. Now, I am dealing this problem with the best medicine for such things. Indifference.
So much for a year that truly shook me and made me redefine a lot of theory and imaginative conclusions about life.
Right now, start of the year 2006, I do not have any of the abovementioned baggage. Something tells me this is going to be a great year. It does not really matter. Life goes on and as always there are more things under the sun and on this earth than I can ever imagine ( a modified quote from homer's some epic is my best guess).
It was a crazy year. I would want to label it as the year that levelled me. Simpler still, the year when I realized that I have a lot of debts.
My greatest moment - birthday. Turned 30. Thirty fucking years. Unbelievable but real. Unbelievable because the child in me never thought that I will come to terms with this event. Real because something in me said this is for real and I felt it too.
Worst moment - A week after my birthday. Self doubt on my intentions and involvement in a five year friendship. For me, the only relationship worth crying over. In retrospect this seems to be the proverbial blood letting for better health.
Start of the year - heavy baggage of the past year.
No. 1 - The woman who I felt as my would be perfect wife decided that I am not the right guy to get married to. The rejection too was rather crude. One last incomplete call indicated that we will be parting for some time. This call also gave hope for continuance. But abruptly, sometime later, through common friends, I got to know she married someone unknown to any of us. If only the animal in me was stoked a bit then things would have been different. But, rationalization is the greatest obfuscator inherited by us in the process of getting civilized. Five thousand recored years of civilization. Rationalization does not let the animal out. Any being has to rationalize and go on living the civilized life. I still feel proud and think that I had enough love to set her free. My love has not come back till now. Does this mean it was never there to start with? Using my considerable intelligence - emotional and logical - I do not even know where to start on the answers.
No. 2 - The stupid business I had got into started overflowing with shit. The compressed decay matter decided to blow as the year 2004 ended. Result - I had to close the bloody sewer and clean up the surface. Eventual price I had to pay haunted me and made me work extra hard without returns for six months from Jan to June 2005. The price was both emotional and fiscal. The emotional price could not be measured but only felt. The fiscal price was easy and took three hours of intense negotiating and an eventual brawl. The physical fight was defused just when it looked like becoming full blown by two of the more civilized of the four partners that we were. Post this scene, for my own peace, I had to define loyalty, honour, greed, business and the purpose of life all over again in my head. This took me three more months after June.
No. 3 - Health. Screwed by my own body is not a good emotional problem to tackle. My body which ran like a true maitenance free machine for 25 years started talking to me in a different language. Why 25 years and not the whole 30 years. Well, the first two and a half years of my life which i cannot be conscious about even if i tried was apparently very demanding for my mom because of my frequent breakdowns. Mysteriously, from then onwards, till I turned 27 there has not been a single complaint from my body. Just imagine, for someone who did not even feel the existence of a body due of its unconditional response to my commands, how would it be? If a qualified doctor declares that I have a rare condition of the heart which is genetic in nature. Initial few days I took it bravely. Bravely, only outward. Inwardly, i was not even ready to confront the problem. Slowly, the thing hit me like a ton of bricks on the head. Like a chinese torture. Slow but extremely painful over time. The emotions i am talking about. I felt a total loser inside me. For the first time I was faced with a rare occurence - lack of confidence. I was never so unsure of myself as I was between Dec 2004 and July 2005. Ray of hope in the form of unconventional knowledge is keeping me on the path to a grand solution to this problem.
No. 4 - Career. In the normal sense, my career was finished. I was getting into huge debts because of having to close a business. The other company, which I had started a year back and my only resort to return to, had no direction. Huge focus was needed on this business. With my baggage et al. I was headed for doom once more. I still do not know how, but this business has stayed afloat and the outlook right now looks bright.
No. 5 - Betrayal by my closest friends. I had no one to turn to solve this undecipherable mess called my existence. Anyone I considered to open up to would fall short for lack of empathy. Amidst this serious lack of confidence in my friends, one of my bum buddies decides to tell me that he felt being used by me for his money for all the time that we were friends. If he had said anything else, i would probably thought of the situation on its merits. But, money, him and I was something which even in my wildest flights of imagination I could not have conjured of. Anyways it happened. One more chinese torture alongwith all other problems got added to my baggage to be carried at the start of 2005. Now, I am dealing this problem with the best medicine for such things. Indifference.
So much for a year that truly shook me and made me redefine a lot of theory and imaginative conclusions about life.
Right now, start of the year 2006, I do not have any of the abovementioned baggage. Something tells me this is going to be a great year. It does not really matter. Life goes on and as always there are more things under the sun and on this earth than I can ever imagine ( a modified quote from homer's some epic is my best guess).
