Friday, January 06, 2006
My 2005 - A round up of all things that made me bow to god
Ahem!
It was a crazy year. I would want to label it as the year that levelled me. Simpler still, the year when I realized that I have a lot of debts.
My greatest moment - birthday. Turned 30. Thirty fucking years. Unbelievable but real. Unbelievable because the child in me never thought that I will come to terms with this event. Real because something in me said this is for real and I felt it too.
Worst moment - A week after my birthday. Self doubt on my intentions and involvement in a five year friendship. For me, the only relationship worth crying over. In retrospect this seems to be the proverbial blood letting for better health.
Start of the year - heavy baggage of the past year.
No. 1 - The woman who I felt as my would be perfect wife decided that I am not the right guy to get married to. The rejection too was rather crude. One last incomplete call indicated that we will be parting for some time. This call also gave hope for continuance. But abruptly, sometime later, through common friends, I got to know she married someone unknown to any of us. If only the animal in me was stoked a bit then things would have been different. But, rationalization is the greatest obfuscator inherited by us in the process of getting civilized. Five thousand recored years of civilization. Rationalization does not let the animal out. Any being has to rationalize and go on living the civilized life. I still feel proud and think that I had enough love to set her free. My love has not come back till now. Does this mean it was never there to start with? Using my considerable intelligence - emotional and logical - I do not even know where to start on the answers.
No. 2 - The stupid business I had got into started overflowing with shit. The compressed decay matter decided to blow as the year 2004 ended. Result - I had to close the bloody sewer and clean up the surface. Eventual price I had to pay haunted me and made me work extra hard without returns for six months from Jan to June 2005. The price was both emotional and fiscal. The emotional price could not be measured but only felt. The fiscal price was easy and took three hours of intense negotiating and an eventual brawl. The physical fight was defused just when it looked like becoming full blown by two of the more civilized of the four partners that we were. Post this scene, for my own peace, I had to define loyalty, honour, greed, business and the purpose of life all over again in my head. This took me three more months after June.
No. 3 - Health. Screwed by my own body is not a good emotional problem to tackle. My body which ran like a true maitenance free machine for 25 years started talking to me in a different language. Why 25 years and not the whole 30 years. Well, the first two and a half years of my life which i cannot be conscious about even if i tried was apparently very demanding for my mom because of my frequent breakdowns. Mysteriously, from then onwards, till I turned 27 there has not been a single complaint from my body. Just imagine, for someone who did not even feel the existence of a body due of its unconditional response to my commands, how would it be? If a qualified doctor declares that I have a rare condition of the heart which is genetic in nature. Initial few days I took it bravely. Bravely, only outward. Inwardly, i was not even ready to confront the problem. Slowly, the thing hit me like a ton of bricks on the head. Like a chinese torture. Slow but extremely painful over time. The emotions i am talking about. I felt a total loser inside me. For the first time I was faced with a rare occurence - lack of confidence. I was never so unsure of myself as I was between Dec 2004 and July 2005. Ray of hope in the form of unconventional knowledge is keeping me on the path to a grand solution to this problem.
No. 4 - Career. In the normal sense, my career was finished. I was getting into huge debts because of having to close a business. The other company, which I had started a year back and my only resort to return to, had no direction. Huge focus was needed on this business. With my baggage et al. I was headed for doom once more. I still do not know how, but this business has stayed afloat and the outlook right now looks bright.
No. 5 - Betrayal by my closest friends. I had no one to turn to solve this undecipherable mess called my existence. Anyone I considered to open up to would fall short for lack of empathy. Amidst this serious lack of confidence in my friends, one of my bum buddies decides to tell me that he felt being used by me for his money for all the time that we were friends. If he had said anything else, i would probably thought of the situation on its merits. But, money, him and I was something which even in my wildest flights of imagination I could not have conjured of. Anyways it happened. One more chinese torture alongwith all other problems got added to my baggage to be carried at the start of 2005. Now, I am dealing this problem with the best medicine for such things. Indifference.
So much for a year that truly shook me and made me redefine a lot of theory and imaginative conclusions about life.
Right now, start of the year 2006, I do not have any of the abovementioned baggage. Something tells me this is going to be a great year. It does not really matter. Life goes on and as always there are more things under the sun and on this earth than I can ever imagine ( a modified quote from homer's some epic is my best guess).
It was a crazy year. I would want to label it as the year that levelled me. Simpler still, the year when I realized that I have a lot of debts.
My greatest moment - birthday. Turned 30. Thirty fucking years. Unbelievable but real. Unbelievable because the child in me never thought that I will come to terms with this event. Real because something in me said this is for real and I felt it too.
Worst moment - A week after my birthday. Self doubt on my intentions and involvement in a five year friendship. For me, the only relationship worth crying over. In retrospect this seems to be the proverbial blood letting for better health.
Start of the year - heavy baggage of the past year.
No. 1 - The woman who I felt as my would be perfect wife decided that I am not the right guy to get married to. The rejection too was rather crude. One last incomplete call indicated that we will be parting for some time. This call also gave hope for continuance. But abruptly, sometime later, through common friends, I got to know she married someone unknown to any of us. If only the animal in me was stoked a bit then things would have been different. But, rationalization is the greatest obfuscator inherited by us in the process of getting civilized. Five thousand recored years of civilization. Rationalization does not let the animal out. Any being has to rationalize and go on living the civilized life. I still feel proud and think that I had enough love to set her free. My love has not come back till now. Does this mean it was never there to start with? Using my considerable intelligence - emotional and logical - I do not even know where to start on the answers.
No. 2 - The stupid business I had got into started overflowing with shit. The compressed decay matter decided to blow as the year 2004 ended. Result - I had to close the bloody sewer and clean up the surface. Eventual price I had to pay haunted me and made me work extra hard without returns for six months from Jan to June 2005. The price was both emotional and fiscal. The emotional price could not be measured but only felt. The fiscal price was easy and took three hours of intense negotiating and an eventual brawl. The physical fight was defused just when it looked like becoming full blown by two of the more civilized of the four partners that we were. Post this scene, for my own peace, I had to define loyalty, honour, greed, business and the purpose of life all over again in my head. This took me three more months after June.
No. 3 - Health. Screwed by my own body is not a good emotional problem to tackle. My body which ran like a true maitenance free machine for 25 years started talking to me in a different language. Why 25 years and not the whole 30 years. Well, the first two and a half years of my life which i cannot be conscious about even if i tried was apparently very demanding for my mom because of my frequent breakdowns. Mysteriously, from then onwards, till I turned 27 there has not been a single complaint from my body. Just imagine, for someone who did not even feel the existence of a body due of its unconditional response to my commands, how would it be? If a qualified doctor declares that I have a rare condition of the heart which is genetic in nature. Initial few days I took it bravely. Bravely, only outward. Inwardly, i was not even ready to confront the problem. Slowly, the thing hit me like a ton of bricks on the head. Like a chinese torture. Slow but extremely painful over time. The emotions i am talking about. I felt a total loser inside me. For the first time I was faced with a rare occurence - lack of confidence. I was never so unsure of myself as I was between Dec 2004 and July 2005. Ray of hope in the form of unconventional knowledge is keeping me on the path to a grand solution to this problem.
No. 4 - Career. In the normal sense, my career was finished. I was getting into huge debts because of having to close a business. The other company, which I had started a year back and my only resort to return to, had no direction. Huge focus was needed on this business. With my baggage et al. I was headed for doom once more. I still do not know how, but this business has stayed afloat and the outlook right now looks bright.
No. 5 - Betrayal by my closest friends. I had no one to turn to solve this undecipherable mess called my existence. Anyone I considered to open up to would fall short for lack of empathy. Amidst this serious lack of confidence in my friends, one of my bum buddies decides to tell me that he felt being used by me for his money for all the time that we were friends. If he had said anything else, i would probably thought of the situation on its merits. But, money, him and I was something which even in my wildest flights of imagination I could not have conjured of. Anyways it happened. One more chinese torture alongwith all other problems got added to my baggage to be carried at the start of 2005. Now, I am dealing this problem with the best medicine for such things. Indifference.
So much for a year that truly shook me and made me redefine a lot of theory and imaginative conclusions about life.
Right now, start of the year 2006, I do not have any of the abovementioned baggage. Something tells me this is going to be a great year. It does not really matter. Life goes on and as always there are more things under the sun and on this earth than I can ever imagine ( a modified quote from homer's some epic is my best guess).
# posted by Claudius The God @ 11:26 PM 
